The Assistant, by Bernard Malamud – June, 1963 (April, 1958) [Hofmann]

Well… I’ve absolutely no idea who “Hofmann” is, but more importantly, having read The Assistant – in a much later paperback edition – years ago – I remember it as an excellent novel.

“Morris,” frank said, at agonizing last,
“I have something important I want to tell you.
I tried to tell you before only I couldn’t work my nerve up.
Morris, don’t blame me now for what I once did,
because now I am now a changed man,
but I was one of the guys that held you up that night.
I swear to God I didn’t want to once I got in here, but I couldn’t get out of it.
I tried to tell you about it –
that’s why I came back here in the first place,
and the first chance got I put my share of money back in the register –
but I didn’t have the guts to say it.
I wouldn’t look you in the eye.
Even now I feel sick about what I am saying,
but I’m telling it to you so you will know how much I suffered on account of what I did,
and that I am very sorry you were hurt on your head –
even though not by me.
The thing you got to understand is I am not the same person I once was.
I might look so to you,
but if you could see what’s been going on in my heart
you would know I have changed.
You can trust me now,
I swear it,
and that’s why I am asking you to let me stay and help you.”

Having said this, the clerk experienced a moment of extraordinary relief –
a treeful of bids broke into song;
but the song was silence when Morris, his eyes heavy, said,
“This I already know, you don’t tell me anything new.”

The clerk groaned, “How do you know it?”

“I figured out when I was laying upstairs in bed.
I had once a bad dream that you hurt me, then I remembered – ”

“But I didn’t hurt you,” the clerk broke in emotionally.
“I was the one that gave you the water to drink. Remember?”

“I remember.
I remember your hands.
I remember your eyes.
This day when the detective brought in here the holdupnik
that he didn’t hold me up I saw in your eyes that you did something wrong.
Then when I stayed behind the hall door
and you stole from me a dollar and put it in your pocket.
I thought I saw you before in some place but I didn’t know where.
That day you saved me from the gas I almost recognized you;
then when I was laying in bed I had nothing to think about,
only my worries and how I threw away my life in this store,
then I remembered when you first came here, when we sat at this table,
you told me you always did the wrong thing in your life;
this minute when I remembered this I said to myself,
“Frank is the one that made me on the holdup.”